i was hoping i'd be wrong.  i was hoping that they would both live happy lives, since they both deserve that and more.  i was hoping that their story would be one of success and accomplishments, since together they had more potential than i ever could dream of....i always envied them for that...

but, it wasn't to be.  maybe once upon a time, hearing the news would have brought about some sort of immature smug satisfaction.  that maybe they'd feel and understand what they (indirectly) put me through and maybe see where i was coming from.  but not now.  now i'm just sad.  neither of them deserve this.  not when the one i was always closest to sounds like he's starting down the path i chose.  not that...never that.

i have to do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't end up like me.  but how can i do that when i'm leaving?  i feel so helpless and powerless, when one of my friends needs help, i have to leave.  its like a curse.  i'm always the one who leaves.  i'm the bad friend.  i'm the abandoner.

*sigh*

i'm leaving 6am on saturday for a couple months.  months without internet.  i guess i'll see you later, then.  take care.  i know i will.  i'll try, anyway.

nothing ever stays in my life, so i try not to get too attached to anything or anybody anymore.  and goodbyes don't mean a thing to me now.  everything hurts so much less if you just distance yourself from everyone...

i think shaun is an exception to this...but even he can tell you that i'm not always forthcoming with my thoughts.  maybe...things will change when i have some stability.  i've moved so often...i just want to stay in one place for a period of time...and not have to worry about anything...
now playing: Namie Amuro - Dancing Junk

shaun signed off for what will probably be the last time earlier today.  the only reason he uses AIM is to talk to me, and if i'm right there, its not like he needs it.  he said something that made me think all while i was at work.  "the next time we say hiya, it'll be for good."  now, don't get me wrong, i'm really happy for that.  ecstatic, in fact.  but...i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little scared.  this just seems so....big.  am i really ready for this?  getting a place of our own and furnishing it and paying bills and buying groceries and making dinners....i'm very used to there always being a stocked pantry and dinner on the table by 5:30, provided by my mom.  TOO used to that, in fact.  i'm used to having money to spend, and buying things.  and now i have to be in a position to hold up my end of the financial burden with not one, but two jobs.  i'm a little scared at not being able to cut it.  scared of things not working out.  just...scared in general.  call me a wuss; i don't care.  but this whole thing with moving out permanently and living on our own is just....huge, to me...
now playing: Noriyuki Asakura (Rurouni Kenshin OST 3) - Ishin Tenpuku Keikaku

go to hell.

anyway....

so yeah, the other night as i was driving home from an inventory at like 1:30am, this cop pulls me over.  i wasn't speeding, wasn't weaving, wasn't sticking my head out the window yelling obscenities at pedestrians.  so why did he pull me over?  simple.  my liscence plate lights were burned out.  he just thought i'd like to know.

yeah buddy, thanks for pulling me over to tell me something insignificant like that at 1:30am when all i wanted to do was be home in bed!  thanks, man!  idiots...

today's monday, and on saturday i'm beginning the long (and final) drive to Florida.  i'm excited.  or, at least, i would be if i didn't have everybody at the job i'm leaving dumping their problems on me to take care of---for stores that i'm not even going to be around for!  as if i didn't have enough to do with the packing and the laundry and the obligatory goodbye visits to relatives/friends/neighbors, all around inventory jobs i have tonight and wednesday night.  i'm thrilled.  i have so much to do yet, and it doesn't seem like i have enough hours in the day to take care of it all.

i've been so tired and stressed lately, i just need a break.  i'm getting killer headaches at least four times a week, which can't be a good thing.  i'm sure being with shaun will be a break, but...the day after i get there, shaun already said we're going out to get jobs.  which is completely fine with me--i'm all for getting a job right away, so we can save up money of our own and afford a place of our own.  i just wish....i don't know...that i had a bit of a break.  does that make me sound lazy?

hahaha...i get some sadistic amusement out of the fact that my message board (yes, since X gave the message board to MY domain and I'M making the payments on it, its MY message board) is half made up of disgruntled ex-MMO members.  maybe that's unfair, but i don't care.  i can be immature at 21 if i want to, dammit.

i'm a bit hooked on this anime i just started a few weeks ago, even if its geared somewhat towards guys and their eyecandy fetishes.  Daphne in the Brilliant Blue is a neat anime, kinda like futuristic sea-related crime fighting.  if you take character personalities and an operation somewhat like what Getbackers had and combine it with Noir crimefighting (minus the seriousness so far) and throw in a dash of....well, skimpy swimsuits, you'd end up with Daphne in the Brilliant Blue.  i've gotten 5 episodes so far, and its pretty good.  i'm pleased.  even if i'm not one for skimpy swimsuits.

and i think i've had enough random hopping around from subject-to-subject for one day.  maybe more later before i leave.  i'm somewhat inspired to write more in my blog after some random person added me to their read list.  thanks, random person!
now playing: Bush - Glycerine